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Dedicado a Jesús Ortega.



Don Andrés Neuman y Don Jesús Ortega fueron mis profesores del taller de relatos cortos que hice hace unos años. Don Jesús tiene un blog que es una joya para los que les guste escribir. Cuenta con decálogos para escribir cuentos, para saber cómo poner un título, saber como terminar a tiempo... y lleno de experiencias. Este blog se llama El clavo en la pared igual que el título de uno de sus trabajos (maravilloso libro de relatos).

En el taller puso un ejercicio en el que cada alumno cogía un papel doblado con el inicio de una frase y debía continuar hasta terminar el relato. Yo escribí el siguiente relato que le dedico con mucho eros y thanatos.

EJERCICIO DE RELATO CON INICIO DETERMINADO


Pedro Luis le llevaba un año a Juan Tomás, pero eran tan exactamente iguales que todos los tomaban por mellizos. También eran exactamente iguales en sus vivencias. Juan Tomás iba recorriendo los mismos pasos que su hermano de forma matemática. Cuando su hermano estaba en 8º y le gustaba una chica, sabía que a él le gustaría la misma chica el año siguiente. Iría de excursión a los mismos sitios y sacaría exactamente las mismas notas que su clon. Todo era predecible. Juan Tomás no sabía lo que era la incertidumbre ni tampoco lo que era experimentar por sí mismo el vivir los acontecimientos. Esto hacía que mirase a su hermano con deseo de aniquilarlo. Lo sentía como un obstáculo para expandir su yo hacia un mañana. Todos tenemos un espacio interior en el que proyectamos un plan de futuro y Juan Tomás tenía hueco este espacio. Lo llenaba de ira hacia su hermano. De sobra está decir que hasta sus padres lo confundían con Pedro Luis.
Hizo la prueba de los 100 metros lisos en Educación Física y obtuvo 10:89; los mismos segundos y centésimas que el otro había obtenido el año anterior. Parecía imposible hacerse con una individualidad, con una identidad.
Pero en el seminario de literatura iba a ser diferente. Era libre para los alumnos de bachillerato de todos los cursos, y allí estaban los dos hermanos, dispuestos a nutrirse del mundo de las letras que los dos adoraban exactamente con la misma energía. El profesor del seminario había metido en una cajita un papel para cada alumno con una frase distinta. Esta frase, que no se podían decir los unos a los otros, era el principio de un relato que cada uno tendría que construir como Dios le diera entender. Juan Tomás se esforzaba siempre por diferenciarse de su pseudomellizo, pero esta vez la diferencia la iba a poner el profesor.
Era la última oportunidad que se daba; si por algún motivo acababan escribiendo el mismo relato, acabaría asesinando a Pedro Luis para poder expandir su horizonte. Había depositado tantas expectativas en aquel cuento, que la noche antes de entregarlo se había quedado atrapado por el insomnio. Al alba se acercó a registrar la mochila de su hermano para leer el relato, y entró en cólera al ver que los dos comenzaban con la misma frase. Una semana de luto estuvo el instituto por la violenta muerte que sufrió el profesor de Literatura.

116 comentarios:

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Lukas ThyWalls dijo...

Se te echaba de menos. Por cierto, El lío de los nombres ¿Es queriendo o sin querer?

Me imagino a Juan diciendole a todo el mundo ¡Que no soy pedroooo! mientra se echa al cuello de la gente...

Coro dijo...

Soportándome,
¡me encantó!, qué buen final, inesperado, por supuesto. Me quedé pensando, ¿lo asesinó Juan? o quizás los dos hermanos...

Entraré al blog de Don Jesús, gracias por la recomendación.

Y, claro que eros y thanatos, jajaja.

Un abrazo, y ya se echaban en falta tus relatos.

@ELBLOGDERIPLEY dijo...

Pues vaya con los Luises. A mí no me gustan los talleres de literatura, la verdad...Bueno, depende de lo que cobren. Pero sobre todo me interesaría montar uno y cobrar yo, que es lo que mola:-)
En todo caso, bueno, ya puestos, y un verano, por pasarlo bien, aceptaría meterme en uno, siempre que me becaran, o el precio no fuera exorbitante...Y el profe se llamara Gabriel García Márquez..., pero aún así no creo que ni de coña se me pegara nada de él, ni creo que él tuviera el menor interés en transmitírmelo: basta con leérlo...
Seguro que Jesús escribe muy bien, claro, no es por eso..Es que soy de los que creo (lo decía Ana María Matute en su última entrevista en "El País", a propósito de la publicación de su última novela), que hay algo relacionado con escribir, que ni se enseña ni se transmite; hay que vivir...hay que imaginar...Y ese es un don que yo creo que es algo que tienen las personas...El estilo sí, pero es lo que decía la Matute: "saber buscar un tono", "encontrar el tono", y ese tono, lo tiene cada persona en su interior..lo creo así...
Besotes.

Galán de Barrio dijo...

jaja, me encantó el final, sorprendente!

El Jardinero del Kaos dijo...

Que buen final Sopor, muy inesperado. ya nos pegaremos una vuelta por el clavo en la pared a ver que onda...

me he tomado el atrevimiento de incluirlo en la pic de mi ultima entrada. espero no le moleste(de todos modos es mi version de sopor, mas oscura)

saludos!!!

Novicia Dalila dijo...

Querido Soport,
A mí realmente el final no me ha sorprendido. Era de esperar, o al menos para mí, que tiendo a la tragedia en cuanto me dan pie.
Lo que me ha encantado es la trama en general. La historia. Debe ser tristísimo vivir a la sombra de tu hermano, saber a través de sus pasos lo que va a ser de ti, no tener posibilidad de sorpresa, de originalidad... Si incluso tus padres te confunden con él... Es como estar muerto.

Tus profesores deben estar muy muy orgullosos de ti.

Un beso Soport.

Efter dijo...
Este comentario ha sido eliminado por el autor.
Efter dijo...

Juan Tomás= 4+5=9
Pedro Luis= 5+4=9
9+9=18. 8+1=9.
Eros y Tanathos, Alpha y Omega. Pues si que estaban enredadamente unidos, sí.
Plas plas plas.

Io dijo...

Muy bueno! El final es genial!

Humor negro en un relato exquisito y bien contado.

Enhorabuena!

Muchos besos!

Dr.Krapp dijo...

Me inclino a pensar en el suicidio del profesor, humillado tras descubrir que dos hermanos, posiblemente gemelos,escribian mejor que él.
Cobarde, pero soberbiamente inteligente, inventó una estratagema diabólica para suicidarse a través de manos ajenas. El sabía del odio de un hermano por otro y también de la incapacidad de matarse entre ellos por la cuestión de la sangre melliza y todo eso. Si alguno de ellos le eliminaba tampoco sería capaz de seguir escribiendo por el complejo de culpa que sufriría al cargarse nada menos que al profe de literatura.
¿También podría ser una falsa muerte?
Pero eso sería demasiado maquiavelismo. Dejémoslo.

Sombras en el corazón dijo...

Drástico el chaval. Al final logró hacerse individual. ¿O sólo remató un asesinato empezado por su hermano?... :0)

Un abrazo

Antonio Alviárez dijo...

Hola, perdona mi ausencia, pero tuve mucho tiempo para comerme el coco en las navidades pasadas y aquí de vuelta al mundo blogger, con muchas ganas de leer.

Un abrazo y mi aprecio sincero, felicidades en este año nuevo.

Antonio

cristal00k dijo...

Pues no es vano el cuento... Te lo dice una madre de gemelas. Al cabo del tiempo, jode que siempre te confundan con otro...
Esperemos que no se nos vuelvan violentas.
Te sigo.

Eponine dijo...

Muy bueno!!

nsK dijo...

¿Qué habrá sido de las gemelas Olsen? ¿Se habrán implantado pecho? ¿Tendrán la misma talla?

Romek Dubczek dijo...

Hola, me gustó el relato. Un buen final. Saludos y gracias por visitar mi blog. Romek.

LOLA dijo...

Buenoooo, no creo que tengan porque terminar así las cosas. Más se perdió en Cuba y vinimos cantando, ¿no?.
Besos, sonrisas y abrazos

Fermín Gámez dijo...

¿Qué hubiese pasado si no hubiese mirado en la mochila de su hermano?

El relato está redondo. Mi aplauso.

isobel dijo...

me perdonas si te digo que me he pasado un rato jugando contigo por el texto, me encanta el puntero... y eso como se hace, besitos

Juanjo dijo...

Y, efectivamente, el profesor de la literatura puso la diferencia, pues únicamente uno de los dos pudo ser el asesino.

Gran relato.

MBI dijo...

Fue un suicídio...
describir desde su esquizofrenia.

Dr.Mikel dijo...

Vaya, nunca me ha parecido muy correcto lo de matar al mensajero.
Bsos y buen relato.

Thiago dijo...

jaaj que bruto! pero siempre creará menos remordimiento asesinar al profesor que a tu hermano....¡ahora que se prepare tu profesor que voy a ir a leer su blgo!

La verdad, cari, es que hoy paremos tu y yo hermanos, y cuando el lunes leas mi post, sabrás pq lo digo, ¡Me he quedado muerto y eso que yo no hice ningun taller de escritura! jajaaj

Bueno, no quiero contarte más para no joder mi propio post, pero el lunes vuelvo y te lo comento, jajaj

Bezos.

Thiago dijo...

Bueno, me he atrevido a ir por el blog de tu profe y dejarle un comentario de tu parte, jaaj Espero que no se ría mucho de mí.

Bezos.

Jesús Ortega dijo...

Hola, Soportándome.

Ante todo muchas gracias por dedicarme el post, por tu cariñoso recuerdo del taller, por tus palabras sobre mi blog, por tu amistad.

Es curioso. A tu cuento le pasa como a Carlos Gardel, que canta mejor que nunca. ¡Qué gusto releerlo!

Un abrazo

DR. FREUD dijo...

Parece que en este caso triunfa el thánatos.

Sirena Varada dijo...

He tomado buena nota del blog de tu profesor y quedo también advertida de que tus imprevisibles finales, lo que siempre es de agradecer.

Ya no me sorprederé la próxima vez.

Un abrazo

Soportándome dijo...

Lástima que el profesor escribiese en algunos papelitos las mismas frases para comparar como discurrían diferentes relatos con el mismo principio.

Agradecida, emocionada.... gracias por veniiiiiiiir

Sefo dijo...

El relato me ha encantado, muy cool ^^.

efe dijo...

Un final adecuado a una buena Historia, con un esperado asesinato.
Un saludo.
efe

Suntzu dijo...

Este es de los que me gustan a mí: con un puntito paranoide y una muerte violenta.

Me ha gustado muchísimo.

Stanley Kowalski dijo...

Muchas gracias por visitarme, tu comentario es muy generoso.

Te mando un fuerte abrazo.

Piel de letras dijo...

Al final hizo algo que su hermano no. Nadie puede matar dos veces a una misma persona... ¿o si?

Beso

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18 de enero de 2009 13:37
Stanley Kowalski dijo... 18 de enero de 2009 16:02
Piel de letras dijo... 19 de enero de 2009 3:03

Hoy... hoy no es 17? Besos. PAQUITA

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